Healing. It’s such a journey. I have been thinking about the process a lot lately. I know how scary it can be when first starting out. And it continues to be scary every time you have tolook at a new bump in the road. The thing that has been hitting me lately is that once you are aware of things that don’t fit into healing, you can never want to go back. Sometimes I want to think that ignorance is bliss even though I know that is the furthest thing from the truth.
What I have realized, once we know something, it’s impossible to go back to ignorance. And I have realized that for myself, I’d rather meet the hills & valleys head on than not know what I need to know to move forward win my healing journey.
So how did I come to all of these deep thoughts? It started in the grocery store yesterday. Being out of town and not near stores that I know, put me into a state of frustration bordering on anxiety. Reading label after label to try to find something that wouldn’t trigger a flare.
As I was standing there trying to make a decision of best foods that can work in a hotel, I heard myself saying, “It was so much easier (and cheaper) when I didn’t know, or care, about what I ate. Putting box after box, bag after bag, and food after food back I wanted it to be “simple” gain.
But then the other realization came… I wouldn’t want to go back. I don’t want to live in the dark about why I feel crappy all the time. I do want to heal even when I am fighting with every cell in my body the urge to give up and go back.
To be honest, my journey has been so full of ups and downs. So many starts and stops, you know, 3 steps forward and the 2 ¾ steps backward. But through all of it I have learned a lot… a lot about myself… a lot about who I am.
I feel often that I am just at the beginning. But what has been happening the last several weeks is that I am starting to be able to look back and see how far I’ve really come. I’m not the woman who curled up in a ball inside every time I thought someone didn’t like something I’d said or done. I am now much more okay with someone not agreeing with me. I don’t automatically run to the food to comfort me.
Am I perfect with these things all of the time? Uhh… no. But I’m much more aware of what I am doing when I reach for something that isn’t nourishing to me. Many times I will give in, but it is a giant step forward for me to connect emotions and actions and those actions with what my body feels.
The other piece that is becoming so real for me is how much I love my life now. There are so many things I need to work through and either heal from or grow in, but I can connect now in a way I never allowed myself to do before.
The simple things… I feel them more. Right now it is my hot Chai tea. It literally makes me smile because I can actually taste, smell and feel its warmth.
I am so incredibly grateful at this moment. This… this is the key for me. Even in being exhausted and fighting how I feel physically, I am now starting to see the things that are good. It is starting to make such an effect on me both mentally and physically. How very blessed I am.
My healing is far from complete. But I have faith that I will be given what I need on my path.
Won’t you join me? We can do this together!